We live in an age of perfection. Perfectionism is a personality characteristic that demands a flawless performance from ourselves and others. The expectations are so high that anything is either worthless or flawless.
The perfectionism rate has steadily increased in recent decades. Our culture is obsessed with the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect vacation, the perfect life. Others expect more from us, and we also demand more for ourselves and others.
This is especially true at weddings.
After 25 years of research on this topic (and over 100 publications), I am particularly interested in cultural trends that encourage perfection — and weddings are the best.
Pursuing perfection
The majority of weddings share some elements in common: two people exchange rings and vows, usually dressed in a combination of white dresses and suits. In the age of social networking and the wedding industry, the wedding must now have an aesthetic. The reception should be themed, and the ceremony must have a color scheme. Above all, it. Must. Be. Perfect.
Pinterest Inspiration Boards Set the Tone, and Photos on Instagram Set the Standard. Social media is the storyteller, and perfection is the tale. Where is the romance?
Perfectionists tend to be sensitive to social status, rank, and dominance, which can lead to envy, jealousy, and the desire to beat others. People are driven to extremes in their quest for perfection because weddings are major milestones that can change or reinforce social standing. The minute details are fussed about to the exclusion of what really matters: the love that brought people together in the beginning.
How can you create a romantic, beautiful day without falling victim to the perfection trap? You can forget about perfection and concentrate on the people.
Other people’s pressure
It isn’t easy to please both your conservative family and adventurous guests. Perfectionism, as prescribed by society, is the belief that family, friends, and society have unrealistic expectations about you.
It isn’t easy to create an event that everyone will enjoy. (Shutterstock)
Ask yourself three questions if your mother is crying because you questioned a religious ritual.
- What is our core value? Find out what your values are, and put them into action. Invite only those you love. Swap disposable decorations with in-season flowers if you are environmentally conscious. Do you love animals? Instead of giving a gift, ask guests to donate to whichever charity you choose. You’re less likely to view your wedding as a failure if it does not meet others’ expectations if you make it a reflection of your values. Perfectionists often do this.
- What are we after? Striking for perfection can be expensive. The pressure is on to spend money on perfect rings, fancy invitations, tropical honeymoons, and more. Weddings are now considered major investments, costing on average $22,000-$30,000. The “ideals” listed above are not feasible for all budgets. This is a list of wants, not necessities, so spend your money where YOU would like to. Even a courthouse wedding or a potluck with friends could be as memorable. Perfectionists may wrap their self-esteem and identity around items until “junk” values like consumerism take over. Do not feel pressured into going into debt to please others. The goal is to celebrate and not to spend money.
- What is the best way to grow? Couples fall into the trap of “destiny” too often. When things get difficult, it’s easy to say that “it wasn’t meant for us.” Disney films and romance novels have engrained fairy-tale endings in popular culture. But life does not end after a wedding. You’ll have challenges and disagreements both during and after your wedding. You’ll be less likely to sabotage your relationship if you keep your focus on your growth as you plan for your wedding and beyond.
You can put pressure on other people.
When the stakes seem high, you can end up a href=”https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.60.3.456″>demanding perfection from others, also known as other-oriented perfectionism/a>. Then, your sister’s infant bawls at the ceremony, and Uncle Johnny becomes drunk and tells rude jokes at the reception. When the stakes are high, it’s easy to demand perfection from others, Which is known as “other-oriented perfectionism.” When people are not perfect, they can become bridezillas, Groomzillas, or Monsters in Law.
Avoiding mistakes monopolizes an event if you are overly worried about making them. (Shutterstock)
Remember these three things when something goes wrong:
- Right wedding versus right partner. Weddings are about celebrating love. You will still be with your spouse at the end of your wedding, regardless of how well it went. What’s more crucial? This is only one day in your life. What’s more important: a perfect wedding or being and having the right partner? By focusing on your relationship instead of the wedding, other people’s behavior will not feel as if it is world-ending because you aren’t affecting each other’s relationship.
- Put the focus on relationships. You have invited your guests to be a part of a very special time in your life. What is more important is that your wedding party looks like it belongs in Vogue. Or do you have the best friends supporting you? Perfectionists are not good at playing nice with others because they care more about the performance of others than their own. A perfectionist may be more concerned about how the audience reacts to their mother’s speech than about her feelings about this important milestone in their life. Prioritizing your loved ones will make the day more about connecting than worrying about them performing their role perfectly.
- Making mistakes is normal. Everyone makes mistakes. Your father will fall on your train. Your groomsman’s speech will be awkward. Your dinner will arrive late. It’s inevitable. Avoiding mistakes is the best way to avoid them if you are a perfectionist. It’s okay to laugh and breathe.
You can put pressure on yourself.
It can be not easy to look your best on the wedding day. Brides are known to hire makeup artists who invest in teeth-whitening products, skin care regimens, and diet before their wedding. Grooms might feel pressure.
This is what feeds perfectionism and self-oriented perfectionism (demanding that one be perfect).
You may not feel confident when you do not think you are meeting these expectations. But keep in mind these three points:
- Perfection is a myth. Nothing and no one is perfect. Undoubtedly, there will be “flaws.” You might sweat when you’re stressed. Maybe you stutter during your vows. You will remember these things fondly. Your memories and wedding are often made perfect by “imperfections.” You can avoid striving for perfection by reminding yourself that it is unrealistic and undesirable.
- This is not a contest. Your interests, values, and relationships are very different from those of the couple next door. They may have chosen to host a wedding with 300 guests because it was the right choice for them. It doesn’t really matter if they don’t understand why you want a smaller, intimate wedding with 50 guests. Both weddings were beautiful. You’re looking to create memories, not make a statement. Your wedding is not a failure, and it’s not a competition.
- You’re loved. It’s okay if you don’t look exactly like the model in your dress or suit. Perfectionists can experience feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem due to their harsh self-evaluation and criticism. Your partner may have fallen in love with you because of the freckles or goofy laughter. In the future, you may be more fit and afford a flattering outfit. But that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying this moment. It’s not necessary to be perfect in order to be loved.
